


only for you

by sunshine_captain



Category: Star Trek: Mirror Universe, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: (courtesy of Kirk), Angst, Bottom Spock, Dirty Talk, Double Penetration, First Time, Five Year Mission, M/M, Mirror Universe, Pining, Possessive Behavior, Romance, Threesome - M/M/M, Top Jim, Vulcan Kisses, Vulcan Mind Melds, pre-Mirror Mirror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-24 23:57:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14964701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshine_captain/pseuds/sunshine_captain
Summary: Jim is deeply in love with Spock and pining for him when a transporter malfunction places him in a universe that contains a frightening version of everything he knows. His hostile double, Kirk, has a proposal: he wants Jim's assistance in fulfilling his first officer's greatest fantasy.This is the closest Jim will ever get to what he truly wants. How can he say no?Just as long as Spock never finds out....





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This fic requires a brief explanation before we begin. A little over a year ago, I wrote [some really filthy mirror porn](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9884738) which I proceeded to orphan, because wow, filth. Then a month later I started a sequel to said porn. The sequel was supposed to be a pwp; then it blossomed into this monster fic, which I've been working on for over a year. It's finally done, and I can unleash it upon you all! I'd recommend reading the prequel, because this starts about five minutes after that ends; it's only about 500 words, so not a lengthy read. That said, I hope you enjoy this! It cost me much in terms of time and effort.
> 
> Endless, ENDLESS thanks to my dear friend [Admiral](http://onedamnminuteadmiral.tumblr.com) for beta'ing this not once but twice, and generally offering me encouragement, advice, and being a wonderful human being. Thank you so much!

Spock's lashes flutter and he bares his throat unconsciously, soft moans escaping him as he slides the dildo in and out.

Kirk watches, playing idly with himself. There's no hurry. Spock will use that toy until Kirk tells him to stop. He's a good boy like that.

Even after he gets off and becomes over-sensitive, even as he whimpers with every thrust of the fake cock into his sore hole, he’ll keep going. Kirk smiles, imagining it. He's had Spock like that before, and he will again. Not right this second, though.

Spock knows what his captain likes to see, and he puts on a beautiful show. He pulls on his sensitive nipples with his free hand. He sucks on his fingers, writhing at the feeling. He moans and gasps and squirms, everything in him _begging_ for his captain to play with him. Vulcans were just made for sex.

And Kirk will play with him. He'll toy with Spock until Spock is exhausted and thoroughly fucked out, coming dry and full of Kirk's come. And maybe then he'll put his mouth on Spock's sensitive, sore hole, get Spock whining pitifully from over-stimulation.

He has to let Spock out of bed eventually, of course. They have business to attend to. Their service to the Empire, their ongoing mission to conquer and subjugate. That will be seen to. It has to be.

But Kirk loves these moments, the two of them in their quarters, when he has Spock at his mercy. It goes straight to his head (and his cock), having someone as strong and stoic as Spock completely under his control. 

Spock loves to get fucked so much, and that is the hottest fucking thing Kirk has ever experienced. And he's experienced a _lot._

Spock pants his name, arching as he shoves the toy in deep, dark eyes never breaking contact with Kirk’s as he displays himself for Kirk's enjoyment.

Kirk grins, fully hard now, and sets his hands on Spock's thighs. Spock stills immediately, chest heaving, but otherwise unmoving, even though he's so aroused it almost looks painful, and his hole has got to be so needy, so desperately wanting to be filled with the real thing instead of the toy.

Kirk is going to give him what he wants, and more.

He pushes Spock's hand aside, yanks out the dildo, and drags Spock down the bed by his thighs. Spock spreads his legs wide, open and willing for his captain, as always.

He pushes in and Spock moans, seizes Kirk by the hair and pulls him down to devour his mouth.

*

Kirk finds over the next few days that his mind keeps returning to the little fantasy he came up with that Spock enjoyed so much. The one where two Kirks had their way with Spock. Kirk knows Spock is still thinking about it, since he can't stop thinking of it himself. Besides, he's _seen_ Spock — when he's sucking Kirk off, rocking his hips desperately, pushing back like he would if there was someone fucking him — seen him touching himself when he thought he was alone, fingers in his ass and in his mouth, moaning out, “Captain, _Captain,_ ” around them, eyes squeezed shut, trying to conjure up the image of two Kirks fucking him every way they wanted. Spock is such a slut. It's magnificent.

If that could really happen, it would make a nice little reward for Spock. He's been incredibly useful to Kirk. An insanely good fuck, it's true, but it's more than that. Kirk refuses to label their arrangement with emotional terms but Spock is… valuable to him. He's ruthless, intelligent, and what's more, genuinely content with his position as first officer. Kirk doesn't fear Spock trying to assassinate him and take his place, and saying that's rare would be the understatement of a lifetime. Spock is loyal, and he too seems to value the arrangement he has with Kirk, such that he guards Kirk's safety and position as captain almost as closely as Kirk does.

Yes, Spock is valuable, and he deserves to be rewarded. Kirk believes in rewarding those that serve him well, and Spock has gone above and beyond.

A long time ago, not long after Kirk first took over captaincy of the Enterprise, the transporter glitched and duplicated him. The copy of himself was weak, soft, showing mercy where Kirk knew there was no place for it. He can’t help but think now how convenient that would have been if it happened now, instead. An extra version of him would be all he would need to completely blow Spock’s mind.

The thought is appealing, if for no other reason than to get to see Spock twice as debauched as usual, but Kirk brushes it aside on the grounds that it’s not _really_ possible. The fantasy will remain just that; nothing but a filthy scenario he might bring up again during sex to get them both off.

Kirk finds out that it’s actually quite possible, courtesy of, unsurprisingly, the transporter. The damn thing malfunctions far more than anyone can explain; the Empire's engineers swear by them, but sometimes Kirk suspects his chief medical officer's intense fear of them is founded.

How else could it be that, one day, the transporter beams up not the low level security officer that went down to begin with, but another Kirk?

He's on the bridge, waiting to hear from the officer he sent down whether the planet below complied with their yearly tribute, when the call comes in from the transporter room.

“Captain,” the officer stammers.

“Don't waste my time, Kyle,” Kirk says impatiently. 

Kyle knows what happens when the captain's time is wasted. “Sir, you'd better come down here. You're going to want to attend to this personally.”

Spock glances over his shoulder, eyebrow raised, and Kirk nods at him to assume command while he deals with whatever is going on. Spock crosses the bridge and they pass each other silently. Nothing needs to be said. Spock will take over and command efficiently while Kirk is gone, and as soon as he returns Spock will readily give up the chair to him, all too happy to get back to his science station.

Yes, he definitely deserves some kind of reward.

Farrell, summoned for security purposes, is waiting for him in the corridor outside the transporter room. They enter, and Kirk stops abruptly two steps in. 

The transporter operator, Kyle, is at his post, phaser drawn and pointed at… Kirk. Another version of him, anyway.

This alternate Kirk is still on the transporter platform, right where he must have materialized . Evidently Kyle had his phaser out the instant he appeared. Quick reflexes. Kirk will have to keep an eye on him, tell Spock to find out whether he has any hunger for advancement.

The duplicate is dressed in what's obviously some type of uniform, black pants and a gold shirt, and he looks identical in almost every respect to Kirk. 

_Almost_ every respect. There's something about him that seems softer. Gentler. Like Kirk’s double a year ago had been. This one hasn't led the life Kirk has lived, hasn't done the things that he's done.

“I'm going to assume I've landed in some kind of alternate universe,” the duplicate says, staring at Kirk, eyeing Kirk’s sleeveless shirt and the knife at his belt. “One where you feel the need to carry a knife aboard your own ship.”

“And I'm going to assume you come _from_ some other universe. One where you would beam down to a planet unarmed,” Kirk answers, moving a little closer to better examine this alternate version of himself.

“Why would I need a weapon on Andor? They've been our allies since —“ the duplicate cuts himself off with a shake of his head. “They aren't our allies in _this_ universe, are they?”

Kirk shakes his head, but doesn't divulge that Andor was the fifth planet conquered by Terra, when the Empire was just beginning. He doesn't say that for hundreds of years Andor has provided a yearly tribute in exchange for the protection of the Empire from outside forces, and to avoid any sanctions.

He has a feeling that the duplicate wouldn't respond well to any in-depth information about this universe, if the place he comes from is as soft and peaceful as the man himself seems. If Kirk wants the duplicate to cooperate and go along with his little plan, the less he knows, the better.

He could always force him, of course, but the fantasy that got Spock off so quickly was that of two entirely willing Kirks having their way with him. Nowhere did it feature a duplicate of Kirk from an alternate universe being coerced into it.

Okay, so maybe some adjustments have to be made to make the fantasy a reality, but Kirk is confident that, so long as this duplicate doesn't learn the truth about the nature of their universe, he'll be willing to participate. Especially once he sees how badly Spock wants it.

Who can resist Spock when they see how much he loves getting fucked? 

He waves Kyle's phaser down, ignoring his astonished look, and the duplicate approaches him with understandable caution. Kirk’s instinct is to toss him in the brig until it's time to make use of him, but that won't exactly endear him to this universe, or to Kirk himself.

Kirk decides to put him in the quarters of a low-ranked crewman that tried to assassinate him a week ago. Spock caught the man in the attempt and snapped his neck before Kirk had a chance to draw his knife and do it himself. Kirk had taken Spock back to his quarters and… rewarded him.

It doesn't matter now. What matters is that those quarters are spartan and completely devoid of access to the ship's computer. No way for the duplicate to obtain any important information.

The duplicate follows Kirk when he leaves the transporter room, with Farrell following behind. The duplicate is looking at Farrell, and Kirk can tell he wants to ask, but he doesn't.

“What do you go by? You can call me Kirk.” He doesn't want to keep calling him ‘the duplicate.’ It's such a clumsy way to refer to him. Might as well come up with separate ways to address each other now.

“Depends who I'm with,” the duplicate says with a smile that screams suspicion. “But you can call me Jim. Now, do you want to tell me where we're going?”

Interesting. Jim looks soft, but he's far from trusting Kirk blindly. No, he's completely aware of his lack of knowledge of his surroundings, and Kirk sees now that he's taking it all in, the crew members saluting Kirk as they walk, the symbols on the walls, the uniforms, the phasers and knives on every hip.

He's different, but he's still James Kirk. He isn't to be trusted.

They reach the empty room and Kirk stops in front of the door, turning to face Jim. “You can stay in here. I'll come get you in a little while.”

“Just a minute,” Jim says sharply. “I'm not staying here. I need to get back to my ship.”

“And you will. I'll get Scotty working on it. And Spock, when he has a spare moment.” Not that he will for a while. Sending Jim back isn’t exactly Kirk’s highest priority at the moment, but he’ll tell Jim whatever is necessary to prevent him from becoming hostile.

A resentful, rebellious Jim will be no use to Kirk or Spock.

“Spock?” Jim sounds a little breathless suddenly. “You have a Spock? Where is he?”

Kirk smirks. Yeah, Jim will be all too willing to help Kirk out. “You'll see him around. I'll come get you once Spock knows how to send you back.” 

Kirk leaves Farrell to keep an eye on Jim and goes to find Spock.


	2. Chapter 2

Jim finds himself pacing from one corner of the room to the other, restless, angry, longing. He wants to get out of this place, this universe. It's wrong. Jim knows every corner of his ship, so he knows that the details of the layout (what he’s seen anyway) are the same, but it's all wrong. Hard and cold and dangerous. He feels a sense of instinctive revulsion towards this place.

And towards that other version of himself.

Jim remembers when the transporter split him into two, that evil duplicate. It was so hard to willingly accept that creature back into him after what he _did._ Now he’s faced with Kirk, who seems like he might even be worse.

Jim hasn't seen much of Kirk’s Enterprise, but what he has seen sets alarm bells ringing. He knows already that this couldn't be more different from his ship, his fleet.

There's some hulking redshirt outside right now, making sure he doesn't go anywhere, Jim is sure. He’s already tried to access the ship’s computer, but the quarters he’s been placed in are completely cut off.

Jim finally lays down on the bed and thinks about what his own crew must be doing. He knows they’re going to be looking for a way to get him back. Bones is sure to be extra cranky and hostile to everyone, to cover up how worried he is. That's what he does when he's upset; he lashes out.

And Spock...

Spock. _Spock._ Jim lets out a shuddering sigh and rolls onto his side. He doesn't curl in on himself; that would be too pathetic. He's consumed with longing, not just for his ship and his crew, but for Spock.

He's hopelessly, completely in love with Spock, and he has been for a long time. The first time that he saw Spock, when he assumed command of the Enterprise, he felt his heart flutter when he caught sight of the painfully awkward, adorable Vulcan waiting to greet him. He was so damn cute, Jim couldn't resist smiling at him and teasing him at every opportunity. Finding every excuse he could to spend time with him. Then he realized how smart Spock was, how funny, how gentle and kind, and Jim was gone. When Spock showed up on duty a couple of months into the mission, hair under control, makeup on, looking _gorgeous_ , it didn't hurt. Helped quite a lot, in fact.

Spock doesn't know. And unless Spock ever exhibits any behavior that makes Jim think he holds him in similar regard, then he never will. It isn't right to put the kind of pressure on a friend that comes with them knowing you're in love with them.

He doesn't want to do that to Spock, and he couldn't even if he wanted to. Spock is too important to him.

The thought of seeing Spock in this universe is horrible. He's going to be as hard and cold as the rest of them, and nothing pains Jim more than imagining him like that.

Jim isn't sure how much time passes before the door slides open. He's on his feet in an instant, tense and ready to fight. When he sees that it's Kirk, he relaxes marginally. This other version of him seems distant and cruel, and he’s definitely hiding things, but he hasn't made a move to hurt Jim (yet).

“I know how to send you back,” Kirk begins curtly. Also not one to bother with pleasantries, it seems. “And I will. Ordinarily I wouldn't waste the effort, but I want something from you.”

Of course he does. Jim prepares himself to fight again, just in case. “What do you want?” Payment for his passage back home. Who knows what that could be. “And how do I know you actually know how to send me back?”

“You can ask Spock yourself, if you want. You'll trust him even if you won't trust me.” Kirk smirks at him knowingly, and Jim feels completely transparent. 

He isn't going to blindly trust _anyone_ from this universe, not even Spock, but it is true that he's more likely to believe Spock than Kirk. It's hard to imagine Spock, any Spock, lying to him just to manipulate him.

“What I want from you actually has to do with Spock. I need your assistance.”

“With?” Jim asks warily. He can't picture what Kirk wants from him. If it involves hurting Spock, he's going to immediately refuse. He won't do that.

Even to get back home to his own Spock?

He would do almost anything to get home to his ship and all his friends. But the thought of hurting Spock makes him feel sick. He would find another way. There's always another way.

“Spock has a little fantasy that I proposed to him one evening, and I know he hasn't been able to stop thinking about it.”

Jim's frantic thoughts screech to a halt. A fantasy. A fantasy? There's only one way he can take that. A sexual fantasy. Kirk wants his _assistance_ in… helping Spock out with a fantasy?

“What exactly do you — a fantasy? Are you and Spock together?” If they are, well. Jim doesn't know how to take that. He wants to be hopeful, because if an alternate version of Spock and himself are together in one universe, maybe they can be someday in his own. There might be some symmetry.

“Together?” Kirk smirks. “No. Not if you mean in a relationship, with romance and feelings. He's a damn good fuck, and a valuable ally. Loyal. Hard to come by here.”

Jim grits his teeth. Spock deserves better than that. He deserves to be in a real relationship, with someone who loves him and appreciates him, and not someone who treats him as nothing more than a good lay.

“You're judging me, I know.” Kirk once again sees right through him with alarming accuracy. He can read Jim's facial expressions easily, probably because they're _his_. “I suppose because what's between Spock and I, our arrangement, doesn't live up to the romantic daydreams that I know you have. What do you think about when you're not occupied? Hmm? About kissing Spock, holding his hand, getting married? Hate to break it to you, but the reality is a lot different. I do want to reward him, though, and you can help me with that.”

“What is it? What do you want?” Jim turns away, paces to the wall and leans against it. He wants to hit Kirk. He wants to, but he won't. Because, damn it, he hates himself a little for it but he wants to find out about this. Just the thought of actually being with Spock is so tempting, and Jim is weak when it comes to Spock.

Would it hurt to at least hear Kirk out?

“I proposed to Spock a scenario where there were two of me fucking him. He enjoyed that a lot. I keep finding him getting off to it when he thinks I'm not paying attention. Obviously, you're not me in the way that I meant when I suggested it to him, but you'll do for this. I don't think Spock will care too much where you came from when he's writhing on both of our cocks.”

Lust roars through Jim like a firestorm, the image Kirk provides making him actually flush, it's so filthy and hot. That's what Kirk is offering him. The chance to be with Spock for real. Not just in his dreams and his fantasies, but to actually touch him. That's more than Jim ever thought he would have.

He's weak, and he just wants Spock _so much._ His Spock will never have to know what happens in this universe. He'll never have to know how Jim feels. If this Spock wants this, and Jim can provide it, he will.

Kirk will be there. Jim won’t get what he really wants, not even close, not if he’s going to have to share Spock with Kirk. He doesn’t really want anything to do with Kirk, but he wants Spock more than he dislikes Kirk’s presence.

To have Spock…

“Okay. I'll do it.”

Kirk grins. “Great. Now let's go.”

They leave Kirk's quarters, the ever-present henchman close behind them. Jim eyes him over his shoulder. The man glances at him and then away, back to Kirk, past them down the corridor. Always on guard. This is one hell of a place if Kirk isn't even safe walking through his own ship.

Jim wants to go home so badly.

“Where is Spock?” Jim asks as they pass a crewman and she pulls that ridiculous salute. “On the bridge?”

“No. I left Uhura in charge. She's the one senior staff member apart from Spock I might not have to put in the agonizer after I assume command of the bridge again... Spock is a little tied up right now. I promised him I'd bring a reward for him back with me.”

“Does Spock know there's two of us running around?” Jim is suspicious suddenly, doubting that Kirk really knows how to send him back. “He doesn't, does he? You don’t really know how to send me back, do you?” 

“Calm down. Spock doesn't know. I wanted to surprise him. I'll have him work on it when we're done with him. If he can walk,” Kirk adds with a smirk.

Jim wants to argue, to say that nothing is more important than his getting back home, that Kirk lied, that he's a bastard, but he doesn't because they've reached Spock's quarters. Kirk, unlocking the doors, plants a hand between Jim's shoulder blades and shoves him roughly into the room.

Jim stumbles a little before regaining his balance, only distantly hearing Kirk order his guard not to let anyone in. Then he stops paying attention to anything at all except for Spock, because holy _fuck._ Jesus. Goddamn.

Spock is completely naked on his bed, wrists bound over his head with rope. Jim notes absently that there's a ring attached to the wall over the bed, where the rope is tied. Did Kirk have that installed? Spock is hard, so hard, he looks like he's been turned on for a long time, and he’s staring at Jim, his eyes so dark and wide and oh god Jim has never seen anything as gorgeous. The only sounds in the room are a soft buzzing and Spock’s panting, which almost drowns out the quieter noise.

Oh, and Spock has a beard. There's that. It's weird, and Jim definitely prefers him clean-shaven, but when all that bare skin is on display and Spock looks so needy and desperate, he doesn't care.

“Captain,” Spock breathes it out like a prayer, wrists jerking against his restraints. “I have been waiting, finally you have —“ He notices Kirk standing behind Jim, and blinks. “Captain? May I inquire as to why there are two of you?”

“Why do you think, Spock?” Kirk starts undressing where he stands. “Don't you remember my little scenario? Two of me, fucking you until you're coming dry? Until we can satisfy you, finally, and you won't have to beg for more anymore?”

Spock pants and squirms, straining to get closer to either of them. Kirk, now fully naked, crosses to the bed and bends down, gripping Spock's chin and kissing him deeply. Jim stares dumbly, unable to process the sight of Spock and what might as well be himself kissing.

Kirk pulls the knife from his hip and slashes the ropes restraining Spock. Spock turns onto his side, kissing Kirk, pulling him closer without even bothering to pull the lengths of rope from his wrists. As he turns, Jim notices the source of the soft buzzing; there's a plug inside Spock, a vibrating one, and god no _wonder_ he was so hard.

Spock stops kissing Kirk long enough to peer over at Jim. “You are not the captain, but you are James Kirk. Are you going to come here?”

Jim swallows hard and takes off his shirt. Spock is watching him, and the look he's directing at Jim makes Jim shiver. He wants him so badly, Jim feels the urge to dive on top of Spock and worship every inch of him. Instead, he approaches the bed slowly, watching the way Kirk is with Spock, rough, fisting a hand in his hair and dragging his head back to kiss and bite his throat. Spock moans shakily at the treatment.

There's a place for that, sure. Jim imagines if he and his Spock were together, they'd get a little rough sometimes. But that's not how he wants his first time to be with Spock, any Spock. It's not what he dreams about.

He hates Kirk for seeing the truth, but he was _right._ Jim does fantasize about kissing Spock slowly, sweetly. About undressing him one piece of clothing at a time and showing him that there's such a thing as making love. To give him so much pleasure, until he's speechless with it. He imagines going out in public with Spock, and secretly stroking Spock's palm with two fingers, a quick movement to make him flush green. He thinks about melding with Spock and not holding anything back, letting him see how much he loves him. 

He's never melded with a Vulcan but he imagines that Spock's mind must be beautiful, equal to or even surpassing his physical beauty. Jim will probably never get to meld with Spock. It’s far too intimate a request to just make out of nowhere. Not the kind of thing a friend would ask for.

There's so _much_ that he wants but is desperately afraid he'll never get to have. Jim wants to get as much as he can out of this encounter. He goes to Spock, but he isn't rough. He crawls onto the bed next to him, waiting on his knees until Kirk releases Spock and Spock rolls over to face him.

“James,” Spock says, reaching for him. “You are so hesitant. I am unused to this.”

“Jim,” he corrects automatically, closing his eyes at the feeling of Spock's fingers sliding down his cheek, stroking his hair. “I'm... I want you. God, Spock. So much.”

“You may have me,” Spock breathes, tugging gently at a strand of Jim's hair. “I am here, and I'm ready.”

Spock's hand spreads over Jim's face, almost the gesture that he's seen his Spock use when melding with others. He wants the meld with Spock. With _his_ Spock. But if this Spock wants to meld with him, he doesn’t know what he would do. He probably shouldn't allow it, shouldn't trust this stranger with Spock's face enough to let him into his mind.

Jim has been so lonely. Spock is always so close, his best friend and closest companion, but not close enough. It can never be enough for Jim. His need for Spock is terrifying, huge, all consuming; he wants _everything_ from Spock, his body, his mind, his heart. He wants Spock to be his in all ways, and he wants Spock to take possession of him in every way.

He just wants so, so much.

Spock's hand slides away after a moment, pulling Jim onto the bed with him, suddenly kissing him with a fierceness that makes Jim gasp.

It's like a switch has been flicked. Spock is all over Jim, kissing him deeply, hands on every inch of his chest, one going down to rub him through his pants.

Jim moans into Spock's mouth and Spock moans right back. He sounds beautiful. He feels beautiful. 

Jim shivers as Spock squeezes his cock through his pants and starts to unfasten them. He can barely contain himself at the thought of having Spock's hand on him.

“Jesus, you're a slut, Spock,” Kirk comments, making Jim twitch in surprise. He completely forgot that other version of himself was in the room. That he even existed.

His comment is unwelcome, and Jim draws back from Spock's mouth to frown. Kirk has climbed up onto the bed on the other side of Spock, and is stroking himself shamelessly, his other hand gripping Spock's hip tightly.

To Jim's surprise, Spock peers over his shoulder and reaches out to wrap his own hand around Kirk's cock. “Only for you, Captain.”

“You're damn right, only for me,” Kirk hisses, tugging Spock closer to himself and further away from Jim. “If I ever catch you with anyone else... You're _mine._ Mine to command, mine to fuck.” 

“Another version of you does not count as someone else,” Spock says slyly, his remarkable ability to multitask coming in handy as he continues to stroke Kirk while finishing opening Jim's pants and pulling him out. “You were the one that initiated this encounter by bringing your double here. And I would hope you know,” Spock squeezes Kirk none too gently, “the sentiment goes both ways. Were I to find you with another, I would have to strongly consider breaking both your necks.”

“Anyone else that spoke to me like that would be dead before the words were out of their mouth,” Kirk growls, shoving Spock back onto the bed and kissing him so fiercely that when he pulls away Jim is surprised neither of them is bleeding. “You're lucky you're so damned useful to me. And such a good fuck.” He reaches under Spock and yanks out the plug, tossing it aside. Spock’s gasp in response is smothered as Kirk slams their mouths together again.

It's disturbing, seeing the relationship between his and Spock's counterparts. It's so cold. 

“ _You_ are lucky I have no wish for command, James,” Spock hisses when Kirk gives him time to breathe. Jim is beginning to see that although things are strange between these two, they evidently have some kind of accord. 

Kirk tried to dismiss it as just wanting to reward Spock to keep him loyal, because he's a valuable ally, but it's more than that. It has to be.

Jim has had enough of watching them together. If he's going to do this… He puts a hand on Spock's hip and tugs him gently over to face him again, interrupting Kirk’s next attempt to reclaim Spock’s mouth. He cradles Spock's jaw in his hand and brings their mouths together for another kiss. He touches Spock like he's always wanted to. Kirk will do things the way he wants, but so will Jim.

Spock moans sharply into his mouth, and Jim opens his eyes when he feels Spock being pushed up against his body. Kirk is on Spock's other side, and from the positioning of his arm...

Kirk must have his fingers inside Spock. Jim kisses Spock a moment longer and then pulls away just enough to be able to speak. He keeps his forehead pressed to Spock's.

“Does it feel good?” 

“Yes, Ja- ah, Jim. It feels… most enticing.”

He can feel Spock's breath on his face, and when Kirk finds his prostate (that must be it), Spock's eyes flutter shut and he moans softly.

“You're beautiful, Spock,” Jim breathes. He can almost pretend the facial hair isn't there. It's so close to his own Spock. Spock looks startled. Apparently Kirk has never told him that. Probably told him he's hot, and a good fuck, and any number of other things, but never praised his beauty. 

But Jim must. This is the closest he'll ever get. “Can I touch you?”

“You may.”

Jim puts his palm on Spock's neck, feeling the warmth of his skin. He feels hotter than a human. He knows that Vulcans run at a higher temperature, and he's pictured before how that could come in handy. Cuddling in bed with Spock on cold nights, he wouldn't even want a blanket. Just Spock's arms around him and all that warm skin to press himself against.

He slides his hand down, over the curve of Spock's shoulder, through his thick, dark chest hair. It was a little startling and a little funny, the first time Jim saw Spock without a shirt and realized how hairy he was. He never expected it, but like every other detail about Spock, it's become one more thing he loves and finds attractive.

Kirk is getting harder to ignore, fingering Spock more roughly and growling about how he can't wait to fuck him. One of his hands appears on Spock's chest, tugging one of Spock's nipples just as Jim's hand gets there.

Their hands brush, and over Spock's shoulder, Jim makes eye contact with himself.

"He's ready," Kirk says, removing his fingers and slapping Spock's ass. The casualness of the action and the way Spock moans in response, fingers tightening on Jim's waist, tells him a lot.

Jim ignores him in favor of touching Spock's erection for the first time. He's gorgeous there just like he is all over, and Jim is more than a little in love with the way Spock murmurs, "Jim," and rocks his hips forward into his grasp. 

"You're beautiful," Jim murmurs again, giving voice to his thoughts.

This is Spock. It's not his Spock, and Jim can't forget that (though he wants to), but he's _a_ Spock, and no matter how Kirk treats him, regardless of the way they relate to one another, Jim wants to give him this. His love. 

Lord knows he has enough of it to go around. He's been holding in his love for Spock for a long time now. 

“I said he's ready,” Kirk snaps, grabbing Jim's wrist and squeezing roughly, his nails digging into the skin. “You know why you're here. I'm trying to treat our _guest_ politely by offering you first choice of how you want to fuck him. Mouth or ass?”

Jim pulls his hand out of Kirk's grasp. “That's not how I want to do it. Stop trying to—“

He's interrupted by Spock’s fingers on his wrist, the same one Kirk was just squeezing. His touch is startlingly gentle. “Jim,” he says softly, in a tone that makes Jim think the words are reserved just for him, despite Kirk's presence pressed against Spock's back. “It would give me pleasure to have both of you at once.”

Jim lets out his breath in a rush. He's quickly growing to dislike, even hate, Kirk but he can't deny the lust that Spock's words cause. “Is that what you want?”

Spock smiles, and there's no cruelty about it. Jim wonders if Kirk can bring that expression to his face. “Since my captain proposed the scenario, my thoughts have been occupied by little else in my free time.”'

Spock wants it. Jim wants it, too, he can't deny that. It's not under ideal circumstances, of course (the fact alone that it's not his Spock, his best friend and first officer, makes it not what Jim would choose, not to mention his ruthless duplicate), but as far as he knows it's as close as he'll get to the life and love he dreams of sharing with Spock.

He nods, kisses Spock again, not even minding the rough scratch of Spock's beard against his face anymore. “Okay. Whatever you want, Spock, however you want it.”

“I wish for both of you within me at once,” Spock says immediately, grabbing Jim's cock and rubbing it. “That particular configuration has featured prominently in my fantasies.”

“ _Yes,_ ” Kirk hisses, thrusting pointedly against Spock's ass. “There it is, I knew you wanted it bad, Spock, knew you wanted to be split open on two cocks at once. You're such a whore.”

Spock moans his agreement, rubbing his ass against Kirk and stroking Jim off. "Captain, Jim, I believe it is time for you to fuck me now."

Kirk grabs a fistful of Spock's hair and pulls his head back roughly, mouth latching onto the side of his neck and sucking a mark possessively, pulling off to growl into Spock’s ear, "You want it?"

"Yes," Spock breathes. "Yes, Captain."

Jim has gone back to slowly exploring Spock's body, learning the feeling of his hairy, skinny thigh under his fingers, the way he shivers when a nipple is touched.

He ignores Kirk, but he can't ignore Spock suddenly rolling them so that Spock’s on top. Jim blinks, startled at having Spock suddenly pressing him into the mattress, but it's far from unwelcome. With Spock's dense body on his, their erections brush, their chests press together, Spock's chest hair teases Jim's sensitive nipples.

"Spock, you feel so good on top of me," he sighs, cupping Spock's face in his palms and kissing him.

"I will feel even better around you," Spock promises.

Jim moans, lust racing through him like a wildfire at hearing Spock speaking so crudely. "Jesus, Spock." He finds Spock's thin hips, squeezes them.

Kirk laughs and plasters himself against Spock's back, pushing him harder against Jim. "You like hearing him trying to talk dirty? That's one skill I haven't been able to teach him. Go on, Spock, tell us what you want."

Spock shifts his position so that Jim's cock is pressing against his ass. Spock’s squirming back against him, moaning softly at the friction to such a sensitive area. "James..."

"Tell me about how good it feels to have a thick cock rubbing against your sweet little hole, how bad you want something up your ass. How much you like to be fucked. Why don't you tell Jim here how readily you drop to your knees and let me fuck your throat?” Kirk grins at Jim. “I don't think you'd be so gentle with him if you knew the things we do, the truth about how much of a slut he is."

Instead of responding, Spock raises up slightly and reaches behind himself to position Jim's erection. Understanding what he's about to do, Jim helps, holding his dick in place for Spock to slide onto.

He does just that, and Jim bites his lip at how good it feels. Spock is so tight and warm. The physical sensations are incredible, but it's the _reality_ of the situation that makes it hard for Jim to breathe, that forces him to battle the overwhelming sensations lest he come too soon.

He's inside Spock, physically in him. It's incredible.

Spock closes his eyes for a moment as he settles down with Jim fully inside him, his ass flush with Jim's thighs.

When Spock opens his eyes, he meets Jim's with a look of startled wonder on his bearded face. "I feel you," he says, in a voice low enough Jim knows it's for _him_ and not his double. "I feel your regard for me."

Jim understands what Spock means. "You can feel… what I'm feeling right now?" Can Spock read his thoughts? Jim should probably be panicked at the possibility. He's not.

"Yes. My shields were weakened by the continuous physical contact with you and my captain. I feel your emotions for me." Jim isn't feeling any distress at the possibility of Spock reading his thoughts, but it's a common human fear, even in his own universe. "I cannot read your thoughts,” Spock says, “not at this time. Only if I performed a meld could I do so."

Spock rocks gently on Jim's cock, hands sliding up to cup his face. They stare into each other's eyes, each on the verge of something; Spock about to ask for the meld, Jim about to offer it.

The moment is interrupted by Kirk grabbing Spock by the throat, hauling him back against his body. "You're so easy, Spock. He lets you feel his emotions, and you're ready to let him do anything to you. And if he lets you into his mind? You'd do anything to be allowed that, wouldn't you?" To Jim, over Spock's shoulder, he says, "I allow him a shocking amount of liberties for my underling, but my mind is off limits. No one messes around in there." 

Kirk is a fool. He doesn't know what he's missing. Spock's fingers keep creeping back to the meld points on Jim's face, unconsciously stroking the skin there, and Jim wants to let him in. It's inadvisable, but he wants it so badly.

“I'd give anything to share that with my Spock,” Jim says, stroking Spock's chest. He reaches for Spock and pulls him back down against him, overcome with the sudden need to kiss him. Spock comes willingly, having been released by Kirk, and opens to him, moaning as loudly as Jim when Kirk grabs his hips and forces him to start moving.

Spock rides him, whimpering like Jim's cock up his ass is all he's ever wanted out of life. This is the most intense thing Jim has ever experienced, Spock so snug and warm around him, laying flat against Jim so that they can kiss.

The kissing alone is beautiful, Spock's tongue exploring his mouth, the taste of him so alien and yet, like everything about Spock, not at all strange. So familiar, so right, made all the better by the way Spock feels on top of him, his chest pressed to Jim's, his long fingers combing through his hair. Jim wraps his arms tightly around Spock, hugging him close, not even caring that he keeps brushing up against Kirk that way.

For endless moments he and Spock kiss, Spock still now, but clenching around him occasionally, making Jim gasp desperately into his mouth. It's perfect. Then he feels it; a strange, foreign pressure, pushing into Spock's ass alongside his cock. Kirk's finger.

Spock rears back, jerking like he's been shocked. "Captain!" His hole is fluttering and tightening wildly around the extra intrusion.

"Spock?" Jim asks in concern, grabbing Spock's forearms and trying to meet his eyes. Spock is trembling and Jim's so worried, furious with Kirk. If he's hurt Spock—

Kirk wiggles his finger, smirking at Jim from behind Spock. "Look at him. Really look at him," he instructs.

Jim does. Spock's cheeks are green, his back arched sharply as he leans against Kirk, letting him take his weight. He's panting, eyes half lidded, and his cock is so hard and absolutely dripping, he's _so_ wet.

He's getting off on this. He _loves_ it.

"Spock?" he asks again. "How does it feel?"

Spock moans out, "Jim," in a way that he'll be dreaming about for years. He sounds so fucked out. "It feels… ah..." Kirk moves his finger again, rubbing against Jim's cock and Spock's inner walls, and he's reduced to a wordless, shuddering mess.

Kirk slaps Spock's ass sharply, and he moans louder. "Answer the question."

"It feels indescribable, Jim. I am so full... I wish for more. _I want you both._ " Spock hisses the last part, reaching over his shoulder and grabbing a fistful of Kirk's hair. "You will stop prolonging the preparation, and fuck me."

Kirk wrenches Spock's head around and shoves their mouths together in a brutal kiss. Spock bites Kirk's lip until it's bleeding, groaning into him as Kirk slips another finger inside Spock, stretching him even further.

"Won't tear you, won't let you be damaged," Kirk mutters, fingers working busily as Jim and Spock both shudder, Spock from the stretch and Jim from the extra pressure and sensation as Kirk's fingers rub against his cock.

Jim watches Kirk and Spock through eyes only half open, not able to do much more at the moment than pant at the way Spock's clenching and flexing around him. There's something there between these twisted, corrupt versions of himself and Spock. It might not be what Jim desperately wishes he had with his Spock, but there's _something_. Some kind of mutual respect and grudging admiration. Kirk values Spock; he won't actually hurt him, won't let him be injured. There's hope, then. Jim has hope for them.

Kirk gets up to three fingers and then withdraws them too quickly. Spock shivers and almost sobs at the loss, and then Kirk plants a hand on Spock's back and pushes him forward to lie flat against Jim. Jim strokes Spock's hair, presses their foreheads together and stares into Spock's eyes. Spock looks dazed, out of it, with too much sensation and the anticipation of being fucked by _two_ versions of his captain buzzing under his skin.

The head of Kirk's cock nudges at Spock's hole and Spock breathes in sharply. Jim takes his hand and squeezes it gently.

"Deep breaths in and out," he says, and Spock's eyes refocus, on him. "Relax. I'm here with you."

It's a moment of weakness, that last part. This isn't his Spock, it's not, but he seemed, for just a second, apprehensive, and Jim wants to soothe that away, reassure him.

Spock obeys, deep breaths, body relaxing. "I am not afraid, Jim. My captain is fulfilling a particular fantasy of mine, one that he is the cause of. You are assisting, and for that I am grateful."

Kirk pushes the first inch of his thick cock into Spock, and he stops talking. Kirk pushes in slowly but relentlessly, not stopping until he's buried fully inside Spock alongside Jim.

"Oh, god," Jim gasps. The sensation is even more incredible than being inside Spock by himself. Spock is stretched to his limit, so tight and trembling weakly around their cocks. Jim never thought anything could feel this good.

What makes it so much better is Spock laid out against him, his dick absolutely soaked, getting Jim's belly wet where his hardness is pressed. Spock is panting softly, eyes closed again.

"This what you've been dreaming about, Spock?" Kirk asks, pressing himself against Spock's back, forcing him to take his weight, so that he's squished between Kirk and Jim. "Is this what you wanted when you were alone and touching yourself? It's what I wanted. You feel fantastic."

Spock tries to move, but can't, not pressed down flat against Jim as he is. "Yes, James. This is what I wished. Or nearly. You must move."

Kirk makes a noise that can only be approval, sliding slowly, so gently out. The motion makes Spock clench reflexively and rubs Kirk's dick against Jim's in ways that are wrong but feel so, _so_ good. They're pressed tight against each other inside Spock, but Spock is between them, around them, everywhere. _Spock._

"Spock, fuck," Kirk growls approvingly, pushing back in just as slowly. "You feel incredible. God, never been this good, never been anyone who felt and fucked as well as you do. Shit!" He presses Spock even harder into Jim, pressing a possessive, none-too-gentle kiss to the top of Spock's spine.

It's hard for Jim to breathe, crushed under the weight of two men as he is, but he's too lost in pleasure to complain. Spock feels so good, amazing, but god. He wants more.

Spock's fingers find their way back to the meldpoints on Jim's face, press there in unspoken longing, and Jim decides.

"Do it," he breathes, silently straining to communicate his invitation. _Come in, do it, join our minds, Spock, come in._

From the way Spock's breath hitches, it seems of his encouragement gets through. He murmurs something in Vulcan and—

Their minds—

The barriers between them are gone, the connection is open, and Jim can _feel_ Spock, really feel him, in his mind.

Jim reaches out mentally, shivering in delight as Spock reaches back and he feels the most intimate, private part of Spock. His mind is incredible. So logical, as logical as his own Spock, but overlaid with a cold ruthlessness that should probably horrify Jim.

It doesn't. It's Spock, and Jim's biggest flaw is his devotion to Spock, how beautiful he finds him in every form. Even like this.

There's something, too, between this Spock and his captain. Kirk. Something.

_Loyalty,_ Spock answers, clearly seeing Jim looking closely at his emotions regarding Kirk. _He is my captain, and I will have no other. James is..._

_He would be more than that, if you let him,_ Jim suggests. He can't conceive of any counterpart of his not loving Spock.

_No, Jim. He will not even allow me into his mind._ Spock stops speaking, but Jim feels that he's curious. _Your regard for your Spock..._

_Love. I love him, and I have for a long time,_ Jim says sadly. _I've wanted to meld with him ever since I first found out about melds. I'm glad that I can meld with you._

Spock's mind wraps around his, brushing against parts of him he didn't even know were there. In return, Spock opens his mind to Jim, and he catches glimpses of this world, Spock's life at Kirk's side. This intimacy with Spock is everything Jim has been longing for. It’s beautiful.

The meld ends abruptly, and with a sickening sense of disorientation Jim comes back to full physical awareness. He doesn't have time to wonder why Spock cut it short. The cause is immediately obvious.

Kirk has wrenched Spock's hands away from Jim's face. He has Spock's wrists in each of his hands, and is fucking into Spock so roughly that Spock would crash down on top of Jim if it weren't for Kirk's grip.

"I've had enough of you trying to hide from me, Spock," Kirk is growling. "Getting lost in his pretty little head. That's not what this is about, damn it. You're mine, Spock! Not his!"

Spock doesn't fight. He arches back against Kirk, moaning at the roughness, and twists one of his hands until he can grip Kirk's, lacing their fingers together. Jim thinks it's an odd tenderness, until Spock squeezes and digs his nails into Kirk's skin.

"I am yours, James," Spock agrees, and then pulls his other hand easily out of Kirk's grasp. He drags Kirk's head forward by the hair until he can kiss him viciously.

Jim watches them lose themselves in each other, feeling the hopelessness of his lost moment of tenderness with Spock. It's over.

It was never his to begin with.

Spock feels so good. He still feels so good, on top of and around Jim. Kirk feels good, too, his cock rubbing perfectly against Jim's, his thrusts rocking Spock against Jim. Kirk slowed down once Spock became focused on him.

Jim touches Spock's hip, circles a hand gently around Spock's dick. The shine is gone from the moment, but he still wants Spock to feel good. He wants to be good for Spock.

When Spock feels Jim's touch, he separates himself from Kirk's mouth and looks down to Jim's hand on him. "Yes, Jim. Touch me."

He does. Jim looks into Spock's eyes and touches him, strokes and squeezes just right. Spock is groaning and beginning to shake from all the stimulation— Jim's hand on his cock, Kirk still fucking into him.

"That's it, come on, Spock," Jim encourages.

"Yes," Kirk hisses. "This is it, this is what you wanted, two of me, two cocks, how does it feel?"

It isn't quiet and it isn't graceful. Spock comes like it hurts, writhing on top of Jim, squeezing unbearably tight around the dicks inside of him, nails scratching Jim's thighs. 

He keeps his eyes on Jim until he’s done, and then slumps forward onto Jim’s chest, straight into his own come. Spock doesn’t seem to notice or care. He’s trembling minutely, gaze slightly unfocused, panting with each thrust Kirk makes.

“Jim,” he breathes. “Jim.”

Jim rolls his hips up into Spock, can’t help himself when Spock says his name like that. Kirk is grinding in deep and dirty, growling abuse again, bracing himself with one hand on the bed right next to Jim.

Kirk is everywhere. Not only is he rubbing up against Jim inside Spock, his other hand is on Spock's thigh, his knuckles brushing against Jim's leg. He's pressed so tightly to Spock that Jim can feel Kirk's panting breaths over Spock's shoulder.

Jim closes his eyes and tries to ignore Kirk's presence, choosing to focus instead on Spock. Spock trembling against and around him, making small, exhausted moans, laying heavy and sweat-damp on his chest. Spock is here and Jim is touching him, finding his hand blindly and holding it as he thrusts up into Spock harder, chasing the feeling building within him and the images in his head, wanting to reach, for just an instant, a place where there's nothing but _Spock_ and pleasure.

Don't think about the meld, and how much he wants it again, don't think about Kirk, or whether he’s going to get home.

Spock squeezes his hand, and when Jim feels fingertips brush his cheek he opens his eyes to find Spock's other hand there, in melding position—

His whole body reacts immediately, snapping into one taut line in anticipation, excitement radiating through him, and Jim feels his orgasm approaching rapidly as Spock opens the connection between their minds for the second time.

It all happens at once. Jim hears Spock’s voice in his head, _Thank you, Jim,_ and Jim _comes,_ his body arching and straining upwards under Kirk and Spock’s combined weight. The meld ends after a few seconds, but it lasts long enough for Jim’s orgasm to do something to Spock.

He’s shaking and gasping right along with Jim, even though he never even got hard again after the first time.

_The meld,_ Jim thinks dazedly, wrapping his arms around Spock, having to be close to him even though he has to shove his way between Kirk and Spock. _The meld did that._ And it did more than that. It showed him what Spock was thanking him for. What Jim gave him. He gave Spock the meld. Spock wanted it _so much,_ wanted it with Kirk, but couldn’t have it.

Jim was able to give that to him.

This is what Jim is thinking about as he holds Spock, as Kirk swears and comes, too, getting Spock even messier inside.

“Fuck, Spock, you’re so wet now,” Kirk groans, leaning even more heavily on Spock, hips stuttering, before he slows and stops entirely. “Mmm. Just like I wanted you to be.” He drops his head down, resting his forehead on Spock’s shoulder, sighing heavily as he relaxes.

Jim is finding it hard to breathe again, and as much as he doesn’t really want to, he starts squirming and trying to slide out from under Kirk and Spock. 

Kirk grunts and pulls out of Spock, rolling off and dragging Spock with him with one arm around his waist. Spock goes, too out of it from two orgasms in such short order to be very coherent.

Jim rolls onto his side, facing Spock. He wants to touch him, but he doesn’t. He’s still tingling faintly from his climax, but Jim knows that his part in this universe is done. He’s fulfilled Spock’s fantasy, given what he could, and got what he could.

He still wants to touch Spock. He wants to hold his hand and stroke his hair and lay with him. 

He needs to go home. Leave these two to their world. Jim needs to get back to his Spock, his Enterprise.

Kirk still has a possessive arm around Spock’s waist and is smirking at Jim. “Well done. You performed nicely. Spock, did he meet your expectations?”

Spock makes a noise of assent. “Yes, James. It was everything that I expected it to be.” He looks at Jim fondly, but makes no move to reach out to him. The moment seems to be over.

“I need to get back home. As soon as possible. _Now._ ” Jim rises from the bed and starts gathering his clothes. The more distance he puts between himself and what they just did, the better.

“I believe it will be relatively simple to reenact what brought you here, once I have a moment to examine the transporter,” Spock says, and Kirk makes a suspicious noise. “It was unnecessary to tell me it was the transporter, James. It was the most logical assumption, as the last time a duplicate of you appeared, it was the transporter.”

Kirk snorts. “Damn unreliable things. At least their malfunction this time was useful.”

Jim is fully dressed now, and he stands back and waits for the other two to make themselves presentable. They do so slowly, moving with the satisfaction of people that received something long desired. They feel none of what is beginning to creep into Jim: guilt. Shame. Worry.

Fastening his pants, Kirk glances at Spock, who’s tugging his underwear up. He smirks. “Are you going to clean yourself, Spock?”

Spock looks at neither of them, focusing intently on collecting the rest of his clothes. “Negative, Captain. I will remain as I am until the current shift is over.”

“You’re such a slut, Spock.” Kirk prowls past Spock to retrieve his sash, slapping him on the ass as he goes by. 

“Only for you, as you well know, James.” Spock shifts into parade rest as he watches Kirk finish dressing.

It’s like they’ve both forgotten Jim is there. And why wouldn’t they? He’s fulfilled his purpose. He gave them what they wanted — another body, an extra cock. What use do they have for him now?

And Jim got Spock. Why does he feel so empty?

Spock and Kirk are fully dressed, so Jim joins them by the door. “Shall we?”

“No, you’re not going anywhere with us.” Kirk cuts off Jim’s protest easily, “I don’t need you wandering around the ship. You’ll stay here until I send someone to collect you and bring you to the transporter room.”

He stalks out. Spock lingers behind for only a moment, making eye contact with Jim but not saying anything. Then he follows his captain out the door, and Jim is left alone. He pulls the chair out from the desk and sits with a sigh. There’s no way he’s sitting on the bed.

*

Kirk’s guards come to retrieve Jim from Spock’s quarters less than an hour later. He goes without a fuss and without questions. Kirk and Spock are waiting in the transporter room, Spock with his hands already on the controls.

“Goodbye,” Jim says to Spock, making no pretense of bidding Kirk goodbye, focusing on Spock alone as he steps onto the platform. Spock raises the ta’al, ignoring Kirk’s glance at him. 

Jim wants to leave Spock with something more than just this, this universe and this twisted Kirk. “There’s always a chance,” he tells Spock, thinking of what they shared in the first meld and hoping Spock understands. _I can’t conceive of any version of myself that could only see you as a useful tool, Spock._

Spock considers this, and then nods once. Message received. “Goodbye, Jim.”

The transporter steals him away. The last thing Jim sees is Spock, and the first thing he sees is Spock.

“Aye, just as you calculated, Mr. Spock,” he hears Scotty comment, but Jim’s eyes are on Spock as Spock crosses the transporter room in a controlled rush.

“Jim!” he exclaims, and in that one word Jim hears Spock’s concern, the frantic calculations he worked to get Jim back. 

“Spock,” Jim sighs, stepping off the platform and reaching out to clap Spock on the shoulder. Because he can, because he wants to feel for himself that he’s really back. “You brought me home.”

They share a moment of silent, lingering eye contact, Jim’s hand still on Spock’s shoulder. Then it’s over and Jim is stepping away, acutely aware of the fact that he hasn’t showered, that he probably still smells like sex. (Vulcans and their sense of smell, oh god.) Now that he’s facing Spock again, he’s ashamed. Spock was probably worried Jim was being held captive, even tortured, while he was instead busy having sex with… Spock.

“I will of course need a report on what happened while I was gone, and the actions of the gentleman who was beamed up in my place.”

Spock raises an eyebrow. “I have already begun mentally composing a report on the actions of the alternate Lieutenant Dickerson, Captain,” he says in a mildly affronted, _‘how dare you assume I haven’t already started the paperwork’ tone of voice._

Jim grins, hoping that he let go of Spock before he had a chance to sense his shame, and that Spock’s shields are firmly in place. The last thing he needs is Spock having the faintest idea what _really_ happened while Jim was away.

There’s nothing he wants less than for his emotions, and his actions with Kirk and that other Spock, to interfere with his friendship with his own Spock. 

Jim greets Scotty, who apparently saw nothing strange in the reunion of his commanding officers, and makes his excuses to Spock. He just wants a shower and a moment of time alone before he goes back to his bridge, his command.

He can feel Spock’s eyes on him as he leaves the transporter room, and he hopes he behaved normally. He doesn’t want Spock thinking something is amiss.

It’s with relief that he walks through his Enterprise to his own quarters. This is real. He’s home. 

There’s only time to submit a brief report and shower before he’s interrupted. The door chimes, and Jim calls out for whoever it is to enter. He has a feeling he already knows.

Spock steps in as soon as the door slides open. “Captain. _Jim_ ,” he corrects himself as he settles into his customary stance, hands behind his back. “I wished to speak with you for a moment.”

He was afraid of this. Jim sighs inwardly and inserts a card into the food synthesizer for coffee. “Tea, Spock?”

“No, Jim, but thank you.” Spock remains standing, watching as Jim gets his coffee and sits at the small table where they play chess. He only sits when Jim waves silently at the opposite chair. 

“I’ve already submitted a rough summary of what happened while I was gone,” Jim says. There’s no confusion between them that this is what Spock came to discuss. “It was the first thing I did. I’ll write up a more complete report later.”

The version of events he’s sharing with Starfleet (and consequently Spock) are highly sanitized and simplified. In brief, he’s saying that he landed in an alternate universe where things were much harsher, and a more sinister version of himself attempted to recruit him as an ally in his evil plots. He refused, was held briefly captive, and then released and sent back when his duplicate decided getting his crewman back would be more useful than holding onto his reluctant double.

Jim feels a twinge in his conscience for lying to Starfleet like that, but it’s preferable to admitting the truth.

He didn’t mention Spock’s double anywhere in the summary, and he doesn’t plan to.

Of course Spock sees straight through the omission. Logic stands to reason that where there’s a Kirk, there’s a Spock. 

“I read your account of events, Jim, and found it most interesting. However,” and he hesitates. “At the risk of sounding as though I am intruding on your privacy, I...”

He isn’t used to seeing Spock so tentative. It’s odd, and making his nervousness worse. “Spit it out, Mr. Spock. Whatever it is, just come right out with it. You know I won’t judge you for whatever you want to ask me.”

“I wish to know what truly happened in the alternate universe you say you were transported to. I do not believe the official account you gave me. You have left something out.” Spock pins Jim with his gaze, and Jim feels as cornered as he did when Kirk spoke his greatest desires out loud. “There was a version of myself in that universe. You neglected to mention him and how he behaved towards you.”

The coffee is still sitting in front of him, untouched. Jim forces himself to take a sip, throat tight, almost choking on the lukewarm liquid. “How did you know?” He’s afraid he already has the answer.

“Vulcans have a much more acute sense of smell than humans.” It might be Jim’s imagination, but it seems almost as though the very tips of Spock’s ears are becoming light green. “When you returned, I could smell myself on you.”

_You smell like me. You smell like me, and I want to know why._

Oh, god.

This is it. There’s no possible explanation Jim can give, other than the truth, that will satisfy Spock. He smells like Spock because that other Spock was all over him, Jim was _inside him,_ and Spock is going to find out.

He’s going to find out, and it’s going to drive him away, and everything Jim has worked so hard to conceal and put aside, everything he’s built with Spock and treasures so dearly, will be destroyed.

This is the end, and it’s all because Jim wasn’t strong enough to resist temptation.

It wasn’t worth it.

_It wasn’t worth it._

Nothing could be worth losing Spock.

“Spock.” Jim closes his eyes. He doesn’t want to see Spock’s expression, not when he has to confess to this. “I’m sorry.”

“No, Jim. Do not apologize for this. It is I who should be apologizing. When you touched me in the transporter, my shields were not sufficiently strong enough to prevent some emotional transference. I felt your guilt, and your shame. I must know, Jim. Did my counterpart harm you?”

Startled, Jim opens his eyes again and sees that Spock isn’t looking at him with judgment, but sorrow. Of course. It’s perfectly logical for him to have reached that conclusion. Based on the little Spock knows of that other universe (solely what he learned from Jim’s report and what he observed of that crewman), it’s _logical_ to think that other version of him could be capable of that.

Spock thinks that Jim was harmed by the other Spock.

It’s a ready-made excuse, an out for Jim, a way for him to not have to admit to what really happened. He doesn’t consider taking it for even a second. There’s no way he could look Spock in the eye and lie to him that way. It’s one thing to not mention details to the admirals, but to let Spock think that a stranger with his face forced himself on his captain and friend?

The guilt would be misplaced, but Spock would take it upon himself and it would tear him apart inside.

The truth has to be told, even if it destroys Jim, even if it destroys everything he loves. 

“No, Spock. He didn’t hurt me.” Jim has faced down death more times than he can count, but it takes all of his courage to maintain eye contact with Spock as he says this. 

“Then what happened between you…?”

“Was consensual.” 

As far as explanations go, it’s a pretty poor one. Spock deserves to know. He’s waiting for more, silently, stoically, his eyebrows not even twitching.

“Part of what I said in the report was true. My arrival there was an accident, but it did coincide with a plan that Kirk — that version of me, that is — had, and it involved the alternate version of you. He was in a relationship of sorts with his Spock, and had… come up with a scenario that they were both obsessed with. It involved two of him, so naturally, when I arrived Kirk wanted to recruit me to fulfill their fantasy.”

There it is. The word fantasy is out there, hovering in the air between them, and if there was ever any lingering doubt in Spock’s mind, there can’t be now. That word can only mean one thing.

Jim will leave Spock to imagine the specifics.

“And you agreed.”

“I agreed.”

The only sound between them is the soft hum of the Enterprise as she glides through space. Jim wants to be alone, wants to lay on his bed and close his eyes, think of nothing but her, his ship. He wants this discussion to be over.

“Why?” Spock asks so quietly Jim almost doesn’t hear him.

Spock doesn’t look _angry,_ but then he doesn’t look like much of anything. He must be using every ounce of Vulcan control to keep himself outwardly emotionless.

“I agreed to it, Spock, because it was the closest I thought I was ever going to get to what I really wanted.” There’s no point in beating around the bush anymore. Obviously Spock isn’t going to think Jim wanted _himself._ “The closest I would ever get to being with you. So I took what I could, and now I wish I hadn’t.” The shame and guilt are rising again. “If this destroys what we share, Spock… I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.”

Spock rises from his chair and comes around the table suddenly, standing over Jim, reaching a hand towards him. “Jim. I wish to — will you meld with me?”

He never expected Spock to say those words to him. Jim lifts his head towards Spock’s hand. “Of course.” An unequivocal yes. Always, for Spock. No matter what.

Spock reaches for him, slides fingers softly down his cheek before lining them up with the meld points. Jim closes his eyes, takes in a quick breath. Even though he’s worried about what he’ll find in Spock’s mind (revulsion? Pity? Complete detachment?), he can’t help his excitement. This is what he’s always wanted, even more than he’s wanted Spock’s body. The meld with that other Spock was one thing, but this is _Spock._

The barriers between them fall, and Jim experiences again the sensation humans were never meant to: the moment when he ceases to be alone in his own head.

Spock is controlled, holding back. It’s different from the meld with that other Spock, which had been chaotic, in the heat of the moment. His Spock is keeping himself carefully distant from Jim, not letting his memories or emotions bleed over into Jim’s. Jim can just barely feel his presence.

_Your fear of destroying what we share, Jim —  that is your only regret?_

_Spock…?_

_Please, Jim._

_Yes. No. It wasn’t what I wanted, it wasn’t what I’d hoped, it was colder. Not as meaningful. It was a means to an end for them, and there were moments that made it… The moments were worth it, but only because they were like what I wanted to share with you._ Jim doesn’t want to inflict the details on Spock, but he gives him an impression of the brief moments of tenderness he’d had with that Spock. That was what made it worth it, but made it even worse, because it wasn’t genuine.

There’s a burst of relief and excitement so strong that Jim is dazed, thinks it’s his own, until Spock withdraws from him a little, enough to let him gather his wits and realize that the emotions came from Spock.

Spock, who isn’t keeping them apart anymore but is rushing upon Jim, enveloping him, and Jim is drowning in affection and desire and love, he can’t think, he can’t _breathe,_  he might die but he’ll die happy—

It’s too much, Jim topples out of his chair. Spock catches Jim and lowers him to the ground. eases them apart mentally and ends the meld. He takes Jim by the shoulders, cradling him.

“Spock,” Jim gasps. Just that. ”Spock, Spock.” 

“I am sorry, Jim. I did not intend to overwhelm you that way. I did not realize the intensity of my emotions would be too much for you.”

“They’re not too much for me. I just didn’t expect them. The melds with the other Spock weren’t like that.”

Abruptly Spock’s grip becomes bruising. Jim makes a noise of discomfort and Spock loosens his hands, but doesn’t let go of Jim. “You _melded_ with him?”

There’s no missing the note of possessiveness in Spock’s tone, and Jim thrills in it. Spock is _jealous._ Jealousy isn’t the healthiest emotion, and it’s unusual for Spock, but it’s exciting in what it represents. 

“Yes. I wanted it so much with you, and I gave in. Took what I thought was all I could get.” 

He starts to separate himself from Spock. Spock allows him to sit up and back away a little, but doesn’t let go of him entirely, shifting his grip from his shoulders to his wrist.

“I am once again sorry,” Spock says softly, two fingers trailing over Jim’s wrist to his palm. “I do not own you, I have no rights to you, but the thought of another melding with you… It causes me great distress.”

Shuddering breath, Jim turns his hands and catches Spock’s, fingers meeting Spock’s in what Jim knows is an extremely intimate Vulcan gesture. “You have rights to me if you want them, Spock. I want all of you, and you can have all of me. If you want me.”

Spock’s gaze is focused on where their hands meet. “Can there truly be any doubt in your mind after the meld that I want you, Jim?”

No, there really isn’t, but Jim wanted to hear it out loud. He knows what he felt in the meld. He’s been living with the same feelings for a long time, and there they were, reflected right back at him from Spock.

Kissing in just the Vulcan way isn’t enough. Jim brings their lips together, feeling like he’s going up in flames as Spock kisses back, and they lose themselves in the moment. Spock’s hands, his mouth, in a way Jim has already felt before, but so different.

It’s everything he’s ever wanted.

It’s real. It’s his. Spock wants him, there are no rules here, no danger. No hiding and no pretending.

Without realizing it or meaning to, they find themselves laying on the floor, Spock laying back and pulling Jim with him, their hands and lips not parting for a moment. On top of Spock again, for the first time, it’s messing with his head a little. They roll across the floor, playfully battling for who will be on top. Spock presses Jim into the carpet, and it’s wonderful, his hands sneaking under Jim’s shirt and caressing his back as they kiss.

In the end, Jim winds up back on Spock.

Panting, Jim presses his forehead to Spock’s. His lips are slick and probably swollen. His hands are tired; he just holds Spock’s for now. “You have no idea how glad I am that you’re clean shaven,” he says stupidly.

It’s an inane thing to say, but his brain is a little addled. He just found out Spock loves him back, and then kissed him for so long that he’s surprised no one has come looking for them yet.

Spock looks as ruffled as Jim must: his hair is mussed from Jim’s roving fingers, his lips kiss-bruised, and then there’s the fact that he’s laying flat on the floor underneath Jim. He still manages to look disapproving and possessive at the same time. This time at least he doesn’t squeeze Jim too tight.

“A reference to the other, I presume.”

“Yes. He had a beard.” Jim touches Spock’s smooth jaw. “Do you want to know? What happened while I was gone, what I did?”

“I do not know.” 

“If you want me to, I’ll show you everything.” Better for Spock to know. For him to go into this knowing everything that happened in that other place, between Jim and that other Spock, and that other Kirk. “I’m sorry.” _Sorry that I thought I could make do with him; sorry I didn’t wait for you. Sorry that I was going to hide it from you._

“Do not be sorry, Jim. No man is immune to temptation.”

“Except you?” He can’t prevent the teasing smile that spreads even if he wanted to. This response to Spock is as natural as breathing.

Spock heaves out a sigh, the movement jostling Jim where he lays draped over Spock, and then smiles back. “Not even I. _You_ are my temptation.”

“What a coincidence; you’re mine.” 

They kiss again, and Spock might think the subject has been dropped, but Jim doesn’t. When there’s another pause, Jim takes Spock’s hand and brings it to his temple.

“Meld us again, Spock. I’ll show you everything.”

Hesitating, Spock almost pulls his hand away, but Jim holds it fast. “Jim, you were overwhelmed by our previous meld. I do not want to do that to you again.”

“I’m ready this time,” Jim insists, closing his eyes. “I didn’t get a chance to show you my feelings. I want you to feel them.”

Spock gives in and melds them again, and as their minds meet, Jim shivers with excitement. The reaction is instinctive, and he feels Spock’s amusement as they greet each other silently.

_I am gratified you are so eager for the meld._ It’s gentle. Jim feels that Spock is just as excited, but controlling it better. 

This time, it’s perfect. Jim is prepared for Spock’s emotions, and Spock takes care not to let them overpower the meld. Jim opens fully to Spock and shows him that the love he feels is mirrored within Jim.

There’s a word now that Spock whispers to Jim within the privacy of their minds. _T’hy’la._ It means what they feel for each other, what they are, the two of them and their connection and their feelings. _Soulmates,_ Jim answers.

_That is a close approximation,_ Spock responds, and they’re blending together until Jim is scarcely aware of where he ends and Spock begins. It feels like Spock is taking up permanent residence in his head, and it’s amazing, he wants it, to keep Spock with him always. 

_No,_ Spock says, separating himself from Jim slightly. It’s the mental equivalent of taking a few steps away and taking a breather from an intense moment. _Jim, we cannot allow that to happen right now._

Jim tries to call Spock back to him, wanting that feeling. Wanting that absolute closeness to him again. He feels Spock’s resistance to the idea. _Why not?_

_If we stay so close, I might inadvertently bond us. We are highly compatible, and your mind is very compelling._

It’s not the right time for that. Jim doesn’t think he knows enough about Vulcan bonds to be able to go through with it right now, but he’s definitely not opposed to it, and he makes sure Spock can feel that.

Spock is shocked, and he makes no effort to hide it from Jim. He’s not hiding anything from Jim. _I did not ever truly believe I would find a bondmate in the true Vulcan sense. I did not dare to hope that you would desire that kind of closeness with me. As usual, I underestimated you, Jim._

_You need to stop doing that._

He wants Spock in _every_ way, and he intends to fully demonstrate that in due course. In the meantime, however, he needs to get down to business. One of the reasons this meld was initiated in the first place.

_Do you want to know, Spock? Do you want me to show you?_ Jim offers. He’s ready, if Spock wants to know then he will show him. He won’t leave anything out. He’ll show him every touch, every word, every thought he had. He’ll show Spock _everything._

_Do you consider it necessary for me to know, for us to move forward together?_

Spock is leaving the choice up to him. _I don’t want to lie to you. He was you as much as he wasn’t. You have a right to know._

_I would not presume to interrogate you about your other previous partners, sexual or romantic. I do not consider this any different. What you did or did not do with them is irrelevant to us, Jim. Do we truly need your liaison with them, to use human vernacular, hanging over our heads?_

Maybe not. Maybe it’s for the best to put that firmly behind them and forget about it. It already seems like a distant memory, pale next to the reality of finally having Spock for his own.

_No. We don’t._

Spock concurs with something that feels very like a smile might, when felt in one’s head. Jim wants to sink back into him, but that would be risking an accidental bonding, apparently. And besides, he’s realizing suddenly that he has no idea how long it’s been since Spock appeared in his quarters.

_Forty-four point seven minutes have passed since I came to you, Jim._ Anticipating Jim’s next question, _an hour and three minutes since you reappeared on the Enterprise._

In other words, it’s time to get back to the business of running the ship. Jim isn’t unhappy. Spock loves him back, and that’s the most incredible thing he never dared hope for, but he loves his ship and his crew and he’s looking forward to getting back out there and doing what he does best. Exploring the stars, with Spock at his side, and the crew and their silver lady around them.

The meld draws gradually to a natural end. They surface slowly, Spock taking his hands from Jim’s face. It’s the first meld Jim’s had with Spock that actually ended when he was ready for it to. The others were interrupted — by force, by orgasm (and he doesn’t even want to know what Spock would think of _that_ ) — but this one was permitted to reach an end organically, and the difference shows. He feels relaxed, at ease, and very close to Spock. He kisses him quickly, his lips on Spock’s and his fingers on Spock’s cheek.

“Part of me wishes we could stay here forever, but we both know that isn’t a possibility.” Jim says it wistfully, but he’s already standing before he even finishes the sentence. He offers a hand to Spock, and Spock takes it, allowing Jim to help him rise from the ground.

“Of course. ‘Duty calls,’ does it not?”

Spock is smiling-not-smiling at Jim, and Jim’s grinning back as he steps over to the mirror to make sure he doesn’t _look_ like he just spend the last forty-five minutes rolling around on the floor with his first officer.

It requires a little straightening of his hair and uniform. Spock takes his place in front of the mirror after Jim, and Jim can’t help grinning like a fool as he watches Spock use Jim’s brush to tame his hair back to its Vulcan straightness. It’s such a tiny thing, and so domestic, and everything that he wanted; the two of them, getting ready to face the world (the crew) together, making sure they look professional before they step out.

Nothing, and everything, has changed. They head to the door, completely in sync, but before they exit, Spock extends his fingers and Jim meets them with his own.

The door slides shut after them. Side by side, they head to the heart of their ship.


End file.
